There is no such thing as a ‘behaviour problem’
What if there’s no such thing as a “behaviour problem”?
What happens if we decide that behaviour is a symptom — not an issue to fix, but a signal, a clue about what’s happening beneath the surface?
When your child lashes out, shuts down, yells, argues, or melts down, try asking yourself: what are they communicating right now? Every action tells us something about how safe, supported and understood a child feels in that moment. Our role as parents isn’t to make the behaviour stop immediately (safety first, of course) — it’s to decode what’s really going on underneath.
Behaviour is information. It shows us when something isn’t working — when a child is overwhelmed, anxious, tired, or doesn’t yet have the words or regulation skills to express what they need. Once we start seeing it that way, we can shift from control to curiosity.
No child wants to choose aggression. It’s not their preferred way to respond — it’s just the only way they can make themselves heard right then. They may not have access to the words, the emotional regulation, or the cognitive skills needed to make a better choice in that moment.
When we understand this, our response changes. Instead of asking “How do I stop this?”, we start asking “What’s the source of this?” Try pausing and wondering:
What is my child trying to tell me?
What do they need to feel safe again?
What might have led up to this moment?
Take a breath. Lower your own sense of urgency. Then, with calm curiosity, help your child feel seen. Offer connection before correction. Even a gentle “I can see you’re really upset — I’m here with you” can shift the direction of the moment entirely.
For neurodivergent children, the approach might look a little different. Here are a few ideas that can help:
Be present without speaking — sometimes your calm presence is enough.
Try distraction — many neurodivergent kids get “stuck” in a feeling or situation and want out but don’t know how to get there.
Offer a comfort item like a fidget, weighted blanket, or noise-cancelling headphones to help them reset.
Name what you see: “Your body looks fast,” “I can see your hands are clenched,” or “Tricky friendship moments can be really frustrating.” Validation helps kids feel understood, not judged.
When we respond to the message beneath the behaviour — not just the surface action — we help our children feel safe, seen and supported. We move from managing moments to building connection.